so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
My vagina is officially offended.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
