I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
