Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
