It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
