she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
