How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
