whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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