Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
