I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
she was so not down for the gang bang
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
