The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
