sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
