I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
