i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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