No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
