i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
