I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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