My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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