My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs