Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
