i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
