Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize
