We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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