I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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