Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
