it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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