I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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