yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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