literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
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