Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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