every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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