His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
