i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You're a waste of cheezeits
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
