Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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