as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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