home. puking in laundry basket.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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