I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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