Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
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Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
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I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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