I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
