..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
my phone needs a breathalizer
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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