I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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