last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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