At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
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He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
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Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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