I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
