I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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