well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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