he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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