This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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