bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
