your parents love me but you hate me
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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