I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i would punch a child for taco bell
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
