he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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