just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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