Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
