i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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