I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
