You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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