your parents love me but you hate me
Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Liz is crying about burritos again.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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