the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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